There are moments while at the beach at sunrise or a breathtaking sunset,a soft wind blows against my cheek and I feel as if Claire is right there with me. Steve and I always talked about ending up at a beach somewhere especially during cold Michigan winter months cuddling under those covers...and here I am alone. Life is ironic. Cuddling under covers in the winter can be fun too...but not alone. 

Claire's spirit lives on and there are so many mothers like her this Memorial Day who live on as well through their children...or some mothers sadly left behind by their sons or daughters who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms. When Steve became an officer- I remember the photo I took which was as if he

were a posterboy for the USAF - it was precious in front of the American Flag in his dress blues. La Quinta Inn became a favorite as we spent many weekends he was off there as we esplored San Antonio and kicked back.

The Schmidt Family- an American Indian/German family,never had much in material wealth.....but what they did have was priceless- love and understanding of each other and life without prejudice and judgment of others. It was not the perfect family but compared to mine they were ! (private joke)

They came together on holidays, for deer hunting season, for the 4th of July...and if Claire or Tommy (his Dad) needed anything- they all rallied. Stopping by at Moms was a treat and cozy...the way a family should be.  

Claire raised some wonderful kids and gave her son Steve the love and determination he needed to live the American dream, receiving a full scholarship at the University of Michigan- Ann Arbor- graduating with honors, volunteering with disabled kids and working at University of Michigan Medical Centers to help with school costs. Steven Schmidt then was accepted to Officer Candidate School in San Antonio,Texas to become a pilot acing the boards, and later served in the Desert Storm Gulf War for the United States Air Force. Aim high.  He like so many veterans made sacrifices including our marriage in the end- that seem unfathomable but not by choice and just as it happens for so many- because of the pressures and the age which we married- so young- so naive and without much support when needed from the military.

Things always came easy to Steve but he studied hard too...

During all these times , Claire beamed with quiet pride and supported him without fail including care packages with his favorite munchies to include beef stew, mound almond bars and pretzel rods. She would tape his favorite shows and mine...and always did so much with so little for everyone.

Steve was the youngest- carried his mother's qualities of courage,integrity,acceptance of all children as God's children, love of his country, enjoying days to the fullest ( whether it was smelling the freshly cut grass with a good cup of coffee and the Sunday paper,enjoying a sunset and family barbeque to some good music, or simply going on a  long run or bike ride to get some fresh air and time for himself)

The simpler things in life took on new meaning and life was and is treasured by the children and friends Claire has left behind.

Scrabble was a game one only lost with Claire for she ,like her son, was a ferocious reader. I can still remember her soft and low chuckle when she had a word which would put us all to shame. She would look at me with a twinkle in those beautiful eyes of hers, and quietly place her letters.

Today as I play Scrabble with my son, I wonder if she is there smiling at the traditions that continue in her honor. When I am stuck- I ask for a hint or telepathic message somehow from heaven from Claire..she was so good.

Steve could laugh at himself like his mother and bring smiles to others wherever he went. If someone needed help for any reason, he was and is there- just like his mother. One could tell already in college, he would be an incredible parent one day with the gentle touch of his mother . I am certain he is. Mothers like Claire have shaped our heroes and veterans today in countless ways and too often are forgotten. Steve was a thinker, a reader,very artistic and just a laid back fun guy. We shared so many laughs in school....sometimes just relaxing on the roof of his fraternity and contemplating life...Mary Poppins pops back (private joke). He used to tease me for my silly sayings as I had learned English from my Swiss Mom and even asked him once if he could please move (i,e,mow) the lawn .

He told me the first time he saw me the word motorboat came to mind...and it still makes me grin.

We loved bookstores, good coffee and just spending time with kids or by ourselves in those first years in love. It was not easy when he was in officer and pilot training but we made it through . He deserved every accolade he received as he studied and worked so hard. On weekends, we would go to Don Marcianos in Del Rio Texas (UPT) and sometimes swing on the old swing in the other Steakhouse and enjoy a good beer and steak. The lake was close and fun to grill at...but he was gone cross country a lot and or studying so I kept busy working too.  Steve was a romantic like me and it was fun to figure out ways to surprise each other when we had time.  In  college, we had the most fun on Spring Breaks.

 

1986- Daytona Beach- where he told me how much in love he was for the first time and when he reached his long strong arms around me and kissed my lips so gently -passionately- I remember his very next words. " Savor "- so we would never forget that moment and others to come- and I have. I never wanted to open my eyes again as it was so dreamy. And today I can remember it as if it were yesterday.

   

I envied Steve's relationship with his mother Claire. Steve loved his mother more than life itself and for good reason. They were so close unlike my own.  Yet it wa natural and special- a bond no one would want

damaged so we did our best to keep in touch and include Claire in everything.

If you think these American heroes became heroes all on their own- just look at their families and often the mothers who raised them like Claire Schmidt-Genia of Charlevoix,Michigan. Claire knew and understood her son better than anyone. She understood all her children and no child was worth more than the other. She simply explained with Steve being the youngest- she had always looked forward to making sure he was okay and the right girl found him. She believed I was the right one but that we were both too foolish to try when hard times came especially me. She said to wait...and be patient...even if he remarried and had children...true soulmates reunite she said. I faltered at times when I was unsure if this oculd be true- but after a few broken relationships and refusing 2 marriage proposals...I realize my heart is still with Steve.

She would often tell me to be patient when there were misunderstandings as her son Steve only had one heart and he did not give it easily away.

She helped me through the loss of my miscarriage- my grief and poor choices afterwards- which I have regretted for so long until I needed to let go. I never had the heart to tell Steve although Claire even offered to- I refused. By the time I had the courage- it was - it seemed too late. I had always wanted children and this made me feel so lost and sad - as if I had let both of us down. We had even chosen the most beautful Swedish rocking chair made out of one piece of wood to breastfeed and rock our baby in- should we be blessed enough to become parents...We both knew we would make an awesome team. 

I felt like I had failed my husband and my own self. I was so scared of not being able to ever have children and my world turned upside down.

I was shy and naive in the bedroom too and it took years to realize how much and how foolish I was. Rewinding now would definitely have helped our communication and intimacy but it took years for me to become sexually comfortable- realizing it truly can be more fun and less serious when there was true love there. Steve never had any issues there but I realize now how much more he deserved...and needed.  I was so young. I was a young officer's wife that when things went wrong- was too fearful to get help or try.  I put on a strong armour and tried to ride it out. In the end, we separated just as Desert Storm broke out and he

joined TAC...the fighter wings as an AWACS pilot.

I should have been there. I should have been there when he was deployed for Desert Storm...unconditionally. I did worry and listened to news non-stop even during surgeries as I was working in in Cardiology returning to Ann Arbor again. I remember every time a plane went down- holding my breath hoping it was not an AWACS plane . I knew they were safe over all so high but I also know war is unpredicatable. The docs would tease me and tell me to relax but then they would get equally concerned

while placing a pacemaker when the news would report " Unidentified US aircraft down. More later."
  

Inside I was so lost. During our separation, I kept believing I was letting go for a good reason...because he deserved better...and would be happier with a wife who could give him children...and not worries.

It is one of the reasons I have dedicated this website and organization to  Steve - my lost soul mate. How foolish I was...how I should have been there. I have dated many wonderful men since- but no one held my heart and soul as he did from hello - and the first time I saw him in class at college. It could have been his eyes- but his gentle grin stole me and kisses stole me. I could not even bear to keep our golden retriever any longer with my long shifts- as I had sent for him later- and because he was such a reminder of  Del Rio and our life in Hengstbach. He was our first baby before Mikaela. I also knew Steve was so hurt that I had faought to keep Gilbert and not fought as hard for our marriage. He felt betrayed and I understood. Gilbert found a loving family and lived the rest of his days spoiled and loved in Ann Arbor as I worked at the hospital. After some years, Claire and I still close and supportive- I decided to go South to help a cardiologist whose wife was in trouble and the children had become my munchkins. I wanted to complete my nursing degree and was promised if I became their nanny- he would pay it all for me. Never happened. I have missed Ann Arbor ever since...the memories- the hospital- the schools....the life...where I met my soulmate.  Close to Charlevoix too then where I am now...the most beautiful dunes in the world....but I have found a bit of heaven on the Florida Gulf Coast too now...alone with my little boy. My little boy was unexpected and a twin- I lost her- due to the stress of the custody battle that ensued. I had met a flyboy who flew in named Gary D-who just happened to leave out his true marital status. He reminded me of Steve and for a while it was nice...until the truth hit. I love my little boy and consider him a gift from God especially after two miscarriages...my baby girl with Steve and Ed's twin sister.  I wished Claire had been with me again as she would have helped me get through this as she always had the best guidance and gentlest touch....like Steve. 

 ****

  Sometimes I fall asleep, and dream it is now and we have grown and matured and there is just harmony in and out of the bedroom with the normal day to day- laid back life- of two best friends who vowed forever and ever. 

I wait at the tarmack in Germany at Zweibrucken Air Base for him to jump out of his C-23 Sherpa in his flight suit with his green flight bag- and he makes me weak at my feet as he did years ago. It was not his pilot status...it was everything wrapped into one- his smile- his confidence-his handsome face,  and eyes and our love for each other. We were a good match because we complimented each other where the other was weaker and fit like missing pieces.

It is better now with my growth ....and his. Steve comes home as I give him a big smooch and then offer him a massage after he had had dinner as he is tired and hungry. 

I've baked the apple pie he loves, shishekebab,and special rolls . We make some Tom Collins and

stick a silly umbrella in as we used to in summertime, or  share a beer...or some great German wine in the backyard. He tells me about his day but then kicks back in front of the TV  or with his Ipod to unwind.

Who knew computers,cell phones and Ipods...would ever be the scene? I wonder if it could have made a difference with us so we communicated more...and better. Perhaps I could have shared my fears in writing and our loss ....So simple and cozy in my dreams. The way it should be. We turn the TV off and go outside to relax under the cool breeze and watch the stars. Just holding hands...no words needed- it feels so right.

  

It reminds me of our times in OTS....We would explore the Emily Morgan Hotel and those wonderful big tubs...the Riverwalk in San Antonio on weekends when he was in officer training ...and dance to ballads by Randy Travis likeone of our wedding songs- "Forever and Ever Amen."

Who knew we would ever be country music fans after making out to the Cars in his light blue Chevy in college ? (And I still love the Cars!)     

We were so young...stationed abroad once married during UPT, and so many years ago when getting counseling was seen as detrimental to one's career when we needed it most later. Times have changed a bit now...for the better in the military but sometimes not.

 In my dreams, we always share a sense of humor and Steve is grilling in the backyard with our kids flying around everywhere...just as we planned. UB40 or U2 is playing in the background and I am mixing a Tom Collins or sharing a beer....We both have a good book by our side when times quiet down . After the kids are tucked in bed, we sit outside under the stars and snuggle...and remember how simple life can be.

The Gandy Dancer was a favorite spot for us in Ann Arbor and many romantic evenings there...so we save that for anniversaries...We used to laugh at the song they would sing when we had an anniversary...

Steve gets a guitar and strums a bit as he always wanted to learn...and reads his Far Side and plays ball with the kids. He is still the guy I knew from college- the sweet fun smart handsome guy who swept me off my feet. He played the drums once at a dorm concert and I was sweetly proud of his fun spirit and talent.  Steve- the guy who would tease me about my stupid social graces...and remind me how life is meant to live simply and honestly. The guy who taught me to savor and always beat me in Trivial Pursuit and Mario Cart. He loved the movie A Sure Thing  and it's one of my favorites now too.

Steve wrote so well that I reread some of the writings he did back then wondering why he left them for me.

Probably in a rush and forgot as they are so good. 

Our sense of humor was Jim Carey,the Far Side, Beverly Hillbilies, Robin Williams,Steve Martin,Adam Sandler, Billy Crystal...etc.  He could sing the whole tune to Gilligan's Island flawless with just a nudge...and now so can my own little boy who loves the show ! I remember getting married in a small living room civily and then in church and being so proud to be his wife...and not sure why I still could feel so sad about losing our baby. Mixed emotions but trying not to show it.

The scene changes and we are driving up to Charlevoix and then having a picnic at Sunset on the dunes at the beach. Then as he leans over to kiss me- I wake up. These are my dreams which seem so real and haunting. I try to direct the dreams so it does not hurt as much as when I wake up- it is so rough. 

The pain is unbearable sometimes- as if I cannot catch my breath. I want to just disappear as I wonder when the dreams will end. They never do. They are not nightly but weekly yet leave me so sad.

I want to go back to sleep and t almost wish I would not have dreamed this at all for after 20 years- my love is even deeper and stronger- not less. I cannot control this- I have had relationships and tried hard to forget. I have learned to stop trying to control it. There must be a reason.

Claire knew. When she was living her voice would bring me comfort as I would cry and then promise in the daytime to keep those memories far away and not allow them to haunt me.  I have surrounded myself by love and life and friends and volunteer work so I do not drown myself in my silly tears....I must live with my foolish choices at age 24 and yet I miss him. One's mind can be so powerful and the pain is so raw. We promised forever and ever, to grow old together, to laugh and enjoy life together and get through the hard times together...and in my heart- I think that is why I never could get the church annulment. Claire understood and respected this. She knew I could not stop loving him even if we both had some maturity needed...she kept reminding me to stay strong and that this would be the biggest test of my life .

She even told me before she died, his heart- like hers was still with me in many ways as best friends share bonds no one can sever. She remembered Steve and I together- our love of life and friendship even amidst silly arguing.... which she reminded me to treasure as much as other relationships in our lives. And she told me to have faith as she knew my heart was always in the right place. This was one of her wisdoms she shared with me when I seemed unsure,close to the time she passed away: 

Claire would remind me that as women we often needed to be the more patient and understanding sex- the stronger spirit when men falter or are needed elsewhere as in for their country or their careers...and not to judge...

We spend so much time in life with regrets, she believed life was too short for this and reunions were always meant for those who truly loved whether in friendship or relationships...for those who truly believed in each other as human beings...I never have stopped believing in Steve. He is not perfect- he is human but he sure was a wonderful best friend and lover. He came into my life for a reason and even maybe as friends- I hope one day- he will enter it again.

Claire's belief in me as a person with those words helped me through some extremely difficult times and she became almost like my own mother in so many ways. She knew I stopped trying to

reconcile when I realized how much I had hurt Steve and yet she told me - to never lose faith. She believed I was a gift to Steve too and had changed so much. She knew I had grown up and yet my 1st real deep love- was the only one that mattered- the one for Steve. She said to me that she could never have asked for a better daughter in law which put me to shame. I was the silly one who wanted to spoil her so much I insisted on a royal blue coat for winter when Claire was much to elegantly simple and beautiful to wear a bright fancy coat amidst her friends. She was much too humble and yet so beautiful and full of grace. I remember when I sent her a bag for BINGO and she chuckled and said- "much better than that blue coat..."

Touche.'

In her own way, Claire was the Rock of Gibraltar for her family and always believed in new beginnings and forgiveness...Friends quarrel, but real friends- quarrel and even after lifetimes forgive and become even closer in the end...

In life, she believed in real love and in love rekindling after many years...she was a hopeless romantic like me. She had seen the little things I made and did for her Steve and she said they had touched her heart....She told me never to forget Mikaela- our little girl I lost in late 1989 in Germany. She helped me grieve for my little girl and acknowledge her even if she never made it to birth.

We can learn from Claire even in death. I am letting life surprise me but with the gifts of hope and faith Claire gave me. I am happy and content otherwise - other than a jagged piece of my heart which is permanently missing. I sometimes can close my eyes when I find strength and go right back to a moment Steve and I shared years ago. ..as if it were yesterday. In my heart- before God- we are still married...thought I understand it is only in my heart. Claire understood this and yet always kept my feelings private.

Claire was a humble beautiful American Indian woman who would be shocked today to see this tribute and very shy about all this attention.

She almost left this world without my being able to tell her how much she meant to me- but the last months phone calls and this web site will give this remarkable mother and her life here on Earth some small due.

In her quiet mothering, her unusual giving and acceptance of all human beings with their weaknesses and strengths- she lived a life few of us can come close to living...and left only peace and warm memories in our hearts. 

Claire never had a negative word for her son Steve and allowed him to fall and get up again all by himself - always keeping him in her prayers and heart but never interfering in his life and decisions. She was and is our angel still and she will never be forgotten - remembered this Memorial Day when we salute all heroes including Steve who is a veteran who succeeded against all odds and living now in Ann Arbor, Michigan. 

This Michigan family was and is one that reminds us all to make the most of life for it is fleeting- and as my college and forever best friend in my heart - Steve, would say... "savor." And those moments as I promised then, I have savored , I have never forgotten. I believe in the impossible because of Claire even if it takes a lifetime to reunite with those we love...so be it...I can wait for what is real...what was real. She used to ask me if I would wait til I was 80- and I told her yes. Call me foolish but you only find real love once. I would be there for Steve if he asked me to be anytime...and even just as friends with a tender history. Even at age 80...or in wheelchair with no hair. I'd rather die foolish and in love still...than never to have loved at all.

In the meantime- make every day one that you can savor and enjoy -take care of your body-work out-take care of your soul...make time for you... so that when you do reunite with those you love if you have been separated by life or death or circumstances...it will not feel like it was a lifetime.

   

I go to the beach with my son above - watch the sunrise and sunsets and keep busy with friends and fun to keep my sanity. My little boy now 10- is a blessing and my smiling ally. He and I cheer our Michigan football and basketball games on and always have "Go BLUE" adorned somewhere. He knows about Steve- the happy times- the silly times- and how to always work at something before quitting too fast. The grass is not greener. We are just fine - just the two of us. Life is good. I love Steve enough I only hope he is happy and well...and loved by many. I dare not ask...or find out. But I do make sure my promises to Claire are kept.

He deserves only the best.

God bless our veterans and their sacrifices - and their incredible families, especially angels like Claire.......this Memorial Day. If you can hear me now- Claire- thank you for being my angel and teaching me what matters in life and that we are all human. I hope you are right about about soulmates and reunions. I miss my best friend. It  just is too raw to always think about especially our final goodbye in Germany when he wrote the words to a song on the back of the wine label of the wine we finished to drown our sorrows. I once would do anything to get rid of the pain ,,,,and realize now- that pain means how much and real our love was once...when I had something real and honest. It is hard to catch my breath even now. It was almost the same pain Claire had warned me about that I might feel once she passed. It was so sharp and nauseating. I felt almost faint ....as I do now as I remember...and wish there was a way to rewind or begin anew. I will never have the courage to tell him though wherever he is- but I will not break my promises to Claire before she passed. And what that was will remain a promise just between the two of us - mother to mother...understanding that even Claire hated to let go especially so young as she was in spirit,age and soul. She will be in my heart always just as my Grand Pubba.  

"Sandria" (as Grand Pubba called me) 

Memorial Day 2007

Gulf Breeze,Florida